We are still in Beta.

My current mood seems to be presenting itself as a wonderfuly mind numbing moment of brilliance. Of course this means that I have to move to my ever faithful blog of which I use the blank pages (or blank screen) of imagination to write my intellect and wit for all the world to see.

Unfortunately just because my mood feels brilliant, or like writing something smart, I really have nothing quite thoughtful to say. Those yearbooks really sucked it out of me.

So instead, I think I shall let you all know that currently I am having a wonderful summer and the highlights are when I get to go sailing. It really is an amazing experience having the breeze in your face and water below, blue sky above, the sun beating down, and your abs getting a workout that is harder than my crazy dance teachers crunch series. I think that the only thing that will make sailing better is when I have my own boat and when I have my friends or family with me on the boat. That will be awesome.

Speaking of me getting a boat, if anyone happens to have any leads on a smaller sailboat I could purchase, or have any spare cash they would willingly donate to my cause, please, let me know! Otherwise, contact me when I get my sailboat to bum a ride! Actually I would love to take you so don’t be shy. Anyway, if I don’t write for a while….I’m probably sailing!

And this is the way life is
stress, worry, depression, and torment,
and yet one must realize there is also
peace, joy, happiness and love.
The question is, will you brave the terrors, for the true meanings of life?

I was told today by a friend that a persons music describes their feelings. So I looked at the current playlist I listen to constantly and pulled the lines from it I think best fit. (P.S. I do think my music describes my feelings, I knew that before she said that comment)

• What do we know……
• I can feel you all around me……
• so far away from where you are/ I miss you…..
• Theres something that i cant quite explain, im so in love with you/ I will keep calling you to see if you’re sleeping are you dreaming? if you’re dreaming are you dreaming of me?….
• its a mad world…..
• I was so scared of everything/amazing grace/cause I’m addicted,I’m needy…..
• You’re the one I need.,…..
• Oh My God….
• Lost in a sea of faces…
• How long have i been in this storm, waters getting to hard to tread, if i could just see you, everything would be all right…..
• Two days and I’ve not slept a wink/who knows what I’ve been thinking/ i just want to wake up in someone else’s arms….
• When I find myself in times of trouble/let it be….
• A hundred days have made me older since the last time that I saw your pretty face/but all the miles that separate, disappear when I’m dreaming of your face/I’m here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind I’m here without you baby bit your still with me in my dreams……
• There is a river that washes you clean….
• And I don’t want the world to see me cause I don’t think that they’d understand, I just want you to know who I am…..
• Amazing grace/hallelujah grace like rain falls down on me……
• I would have stayed up with you all night, if I’d known how to save a life……
• How can i stand here with you and not be moved by you/cause your all i want, you’re all i need you’re everything everything….
• So many things I wish that I could say/are these memories that have over taken me, once again I’m right her on my knees/I’m barely hanging on, with all these empty feelings, I’m hurting in so many ways, although i cant began to understand the reasons i still believe that your God….
• Theres so much I want to say to make it easier/let me wipe away your tears/I’m here tonight…..
• Into the ocean end it all/I wanna swim away but don’t know how…..
  
• Missing you like crazy, I feel a million miles away, a part of me is empty that no one could replace and so i run to you despite the pain i leave it all behind, I’m on my way home/I’m running back to you.

the slashes show a break in the song where i jump from line to line, the commas simply are a pause in a continuation of lines. I realize now that these make more sense when you hear them in the songs, and they sound better.

BONUS POINTS IF YOU CAN NAME EVERY SONG (or even a song or two) THAT IS IN MY LIST

I was talking with a friend last night about standards, and expectations and I was surprised with what was coming out of my mouth and what I was saying. I realized that there is a lot to be said about standards vs. expectations, so I’m gonna have a nice little (that will probably end up big) blog post about them.

Standards- A Standard is something that is a realistic all encompassing thing/view. It’s not necessarily what you do, or what someone else does but more about all of what you say, do and are. It’s also how you do and say things, not just what you do or say and are. It’s a lot like a value.
Expectations- Expectations are something that come with standards. When you have a standard you show it by what you expect and do. Your expectations come with standards not the other way around.

An example

My standard might be that my future/current girlfriend/spouse pursues a relationship with God.

(this could easily be reworded to say “I value a girl who has pursues a relationship with God”)

The expectations could (key word COULD not would or are) be

• She prays on a reguar basis
• She reads her Bible regularly
• She goes to church
• She asks herself “What Would Jesus Do?” in situations

See, the standard is kind of like a value, its the big picture, the expectations come from trying to follow that standard. Another big thing that helps with this is to think about the fact that expectations can chance. Expectations might change with your life but standards do not.

For example

You might have the same standard as mentioned above but the expectations might change because of how your life is at the time.

For example your expectation that you go to church might change because you have to work on Sunday mornings. Now it would be hard to expect someone to go to a Sunday morning service when they work during that time and so it’s not an option. So the expectation might change to something like “She is an active member of a small group in order to be learn about God.”

See that’s the other thing. The expectations have to go with standards. You can back up your expectations with your standard. Though you might not go to church you might go to a small group and you can say “I go to this small group because I want to be fed and learn about God even though I’m not going to church. I’m pursuing my relationship with Christ.”

If you have expectations but no standards it can be problematic. Then your expectations become the only goal and you don’t know why you have them as goals and expectations. This can cause you or a relationship to be unhealthy. Say your job changes so you have to work Sunday mornings and your expectation was that you go to church. If you only have that expectation but no standard you might get mad at yourself for not being able to go and mad at your work for not allowing you to, but you don’t try and solve it or even work through it and figure out why you had this expectation. You view it like this “I’m not going to church, I’m not meeting my expectation. I’m mad at myself. I’m mad at my work because they are making me skip church. What can I do about it? Nothing, I can’t go to church on Sunday…. to bad”

This is why you have to have standards and with that set expectations that change to fit your standards and your life.

P.S. High standards are good (if they are realistic). High expectations are not (though this might be argued, especially if you’re open to change)
P.S.S. Whatever happened to “What Would Jesus Do?”? Was it to cliche? It is something important that I never hear or see around anymore, which is kind of sad. Hmmm… Just a thought!

To get a sense of my life in the past few months you can check out this nice list I have compiled of my emotions

I’ve felt very misunderstood probably from being undecided and unsettled. which is from being lost which comes from being overwhelmed and disoriented. Being overwhelmed and disoriented has been from feeling vulnerable, desperate, troubled and exasperated. These feelings are caused from being upset, hopeless, torn and helpless. Since I am feeling all of these things it causes me to become overwhelmed with the emotions, which leads to me being lost and even more disoriented etc. This cycle is pretty much endless except for occasional lapses.

These occasional lapses though are great. In these moments I become very excited, thrilled, energized and joyful. This makes me feel relieved, and confident. The confidence produces hope and makes me optimistic. All of these cause me to become determined to fight harder the next time the depressing, and sad feelings began to overtake me.

All in all these feelings make me feel human, they make me feel alive. I just pray that God will continue to work in me and help me to stay determined and hopeful.

THANKS FOR ALL YOUR PRAYERS ANDS SUPPORT!

I’m lost

Life is way down……

Just, lost……

Empty. Missing. Deprived. Hurt. Hollow. Pointless. Uncaring.

Yet……caring completely. Yet, not so pointless, not deprived. Life is just in the hole and I need someone to reach in and pull me out.

I’m praying that God will get me through this one…… I need a miracle, and yet……. I know…. I know……. I know I still have hope because I have God to hold onto, and he will get me through the storm. I just need to hold on tighter. Grip him closer…. pick up my walking stick……. beat down the spider webs, be rescued from the dragon, fight the dragon. Rescue a princess…….
I need God to rescue me.

Living in the word.

It’s an expression heard a lot when you love Jesus, but what does it mean? I know a lot of people would think being “in the word” means to read the Bible….. but doesn’t it mean more than that? What is the point of reading your Bible if you don’t live it?

I think this is a common problem in some churches. Well actually I think it works both ways. I think we have both the extreme of people litereally “living in the word”, meaning all they ever do is read their Bible, spout of verses like most people spout of cuss words, and relaying Biblical information in a very condeming manner. Of course, this is really annoying and not what most people like. This is someone who lives in their Bible and nothing outside of it. They don’t know how to apply what they learn.

Then we have the opposite side. These are the people who are “living in the word”. They read a little of the Bible, then “live it” for months or years at a time with only dips into the Bible. In other words all they do is act, but they don’t even know why they are acting. These are the sort of people who do good deeds, sing on the worship band, help out with the kids care, and do all the other Biblical things they are supposed to. Sadly they rarely, if ever, open a Bible and actually delve into a conversation with God.

So what we need is the happy medium. The most effective person would be one who reads the Bible, actively discusses it, chews on it, talks to God about it, and acts on it, with other people.

The key in all of this is relationship. Reading the Bible is pointless without having it be a time of relationship with God. Likewise acting out the good deeds is pointless unless we are having an active relationship with the people around us. Meaning we aren’t just doing it for ourselves, or because it’s what we are supposed to do, but because it shows love, God’s love to those around us.

“Above ALL, love each other DEEPLY, because love Covers Over a MULTITUDE of sins.”

1 Peter 4:8
P.S. I’m in a posting mood I guess. 2 posts in one night, YEAH!

I know my opinion doesn’t reallly matter. In fact anyone reading this post probably already has there vote cast, and they are sticking to it. I also realize that I have a small audience and that of those that read this blog, only a few can actually vote. Anyway, all that put aside, I just wanted the world to know, I support Mike Huckabee, and I think this statement is amazing.

“I know the pundits, and I know what they say: The math doesn’t work out…Well, I didn’t major in math, I majored in miracles. And I still believe in those, too.”

-Mike Huckabee-

Well Mike, I believe in miracles too, and I hope you win! I’ll be praying for God to bring the right candidate to presidency, and hopefully that will mean you.

Just had to add this

“Outspent nearly 20 to one, Huckabee told his supporters at a celebration in Des Moines that the results proved that “people are more important than the purse” (Times Article)

p.s. for those of you that don’t know what a pundit is, basically it’s just a smart person

Theatre class makes you think. That’s what I have decided. The other day we had to do a scene/dance/theatre piece/song/art’s school thing about this poem we got. Anyway, after about 45 minutes of my group discussing it trying to pull something juicy out of it, we got an idea. From there, it was like a tiny bowl of bubbles, being blown into by a straw, creating more and more and more, ever expanding.

Anyway, the poem was called “End of Summer”. While reading it we all agreed to focus on the section that includes this

“and the sparrows
shattering to nowhere are the Summer
waving that here is where it turns”

Now our idea was to focus on the word nowhere. From there we all came up with ideas and over the process of it, we hit gold. Or I felt like we did, or… I felt that I did. See….. in our scene thingy we had one of the students sitting in the middle, just staring, then two others come in, arguing and saying lines from the poem at each other. Meanwhile I am on stage grabbing at anything, but I can’t hold it. I’m just grasping air. Nothing. Finally another group member comes in, she’s singing “glasses and silver, glasses and silver” while playing imaginary hopscotch. I pause, stare at her. “She’s found it” I think; Nowhere. Meanwhile the other members yell and fight, and one just sits and stares.

That was basically what our piece was. Now it wasn’t exactly as I wanted it, but it worked. Basically the idea I came up with, went like this. The poem was talking about childhood. It is talking about the End of Summer, or the end of your childhood, or in a sense, nowhere. See the group member on the ground, he was nowhere. He was representational of that, or so I thought. The two arguing members, they are the world, the “real” world so to speak. And the girl? The girl has found nowhere, she’s in it, without knowing it. As for me, I’m looking for nowhere. See it’s…. it’s this magical thing, this place…. I don’t know what I’m looking for, I just, I know I am. I know I should be, I reach out, trying to grab it, but can’t. The girl, she is in it, I see that, but don’t know it, while… at the same time… I do.

See… in a sense, nowhere, is everywhere. Well. Nowhere, is where you want to be. If that makes sense. See we spend all this time trying to leave childhood, trying to grow up, get to the “real” world. Which is just filled with sadness and despair and stress, but nowhere… nowhere is joy, nowhere is happiness, nowhere is pure bliss. So that’s why I was searching, yet I didn’t know it. It’s interesting because, see the fact is, that….we all get so focused on life, that we lose sight of real life, being nowhere. Jesus said

“I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” (NIV)

or in The Message version

“I’m telling you, once and for all, that unless you return to square one and start over like children, you’re not even going to get a look at the kingdom, let alone get in. Whoever becomes simple and elemental again, like this child, will rank high in God’s kingdom.”

See, Jesus was a wise man, I mean… he was Jesus. He knew what he was talking about when he told us to be like a child. Or in the Message version he says “Whoever becomes simple and elemental again:. I like that. I want to go back to being simple. I want to go back to being elemental. I would like to go back to being in love with having fun, and even more so, I would love to go back to being in love with God’s creation. So that’s what I’m praying for. God to make me like a child again. God to bring me to nowhere, and for me to enjoy it.

See you nowhere.

Friends are like walking sticks. Let me explain.

Say life is a mountain. Your purpose is to get to the top. You walk and you walk and you walk, but a lot of temptations arise, and you fall. You seem to make no progress. There are spider webs everywhere. You slip in the loose soil, you hurt your feet on the rocks, you lose your balance crossing a stream. You fall again and again. Soon you are exhausted and you are about to give up, but there! What is that? A walking stick! Yes it is. You pick it up and begin again. This time the walking stick is there in your hand. When you are in the loose soil, the stick digs in and holds you up. When you cross the rocks it takes most of the weight. When you cross the stream, it gives you support. You go farther, faster. It is there with you always. Yes you still fall at times, but not near as much. You might run into spider webs, but you can beat them back. You might find dark caves, but you can feel your way. No matter what comes your way, you have your trusty walking stick in your hand, supporting you all the way.